Instead of giving you all the informational updates I promised, I'm going to give you a glimpse into my heart, which seems just as important, especially if you know and love me as much as I probably do you. Here goes.
This morning, my heart is heavy, as it should be. It is breaking as I try to reconcile the disparity between humanity's beauty and its depravity. I am conflicted, and I am ashamed.
I seem to have made friends with a parasite in the past two weeks, and my body hasn't felt great. It's not terrible, but I suspect I'll feel like this until I'm able to see a doctor in the United States in a few weeks, and I'm not too excited about that. I've been complaining a lot. About everything. My attitude is not where it should be.
I am not unhappy here. That is not the problem. What's problematic is all of my little annoyances, those that get in the way of gratitude and appreciation and joy and genuine love. What's problematic is my propensity to complain. What's problematic is my laziness.
I complain about feeling sick while I know that most people who live here probably deal with worse symptoms every day. They are malnourished, they are constantly exposed to bacteria and nasty stuff, they are dehydrated, they are discouraged, they are abused. That doesn't mean that my discomfort is meaningless, it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to suffer, but I don't need to dwell in it. It could be worse, and it is for many people all around me. I complain about the food, I crave vegetables and dairy and whole grains while people are starving. That doesn't mean I shouldn't want healthy, delicious food, but really, I can stop complaining. I should stop complaining.
What brought this all on, why this morning? Partly because I started to actually hear myself complain, and I was embarrassed. And partly because I am reading through my students' paragraphs, and they are touching some tender places in my heart.
Today I'm very happy to write ten sentences about the country I would like to visit. I would like to visit the United States of America because it has many jobs and I want to make money. When I arrive in the United States of America, I will feel good. I would like to have a good job. I would like to visit the United States of America because it's a beautiful country. I would like to visit the United States of America because when I arrive there, I can make a lot of money to help my family. I would like to visit the United States of America because Haiti does not have many jobs. OK thanks. That's all!
My privilege is weighing heavily on me right now. This isn't about guilt, or self-deprivation. I don't want to be a martyr, and I'm sure plenty of my students here are indulgent when possible. Everyone deserves some indulgence. But I am frustrated with how unappreciative I can be, how much I think I need certain luxuries, and how my desire for convenience harms others. I cannot solve the problems here, but I can make choices to help alleviate them somewhat, and I often fail at that. I can be grateful and attentive and compassionate and informed. I can be vocal and visionary. I can work harder. I can control what I say and eat and buy.
I accept my guilt and shame and anger. I need it for motivation. As long as I am not exhausted, or defeated, it is good and important. I just need to harness it.
I'm praying for self-awareness and guidance, as always. And reminding myself to give thanks, and to live in love. It's hard at the moment.
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