More random thoughts (and no concrete updates... sorry.)

I've been in Spain now for about two weeks, and out of the United States for about two months. Since I arrived in Granada, I've gone to my intensive Spanish class, taken numerous tours of the city, visited a few museums, admired the city's cathedral, went on a hike, relaxed at the baños árabes, had my breath taken away by the beauty of the Alhambra, snacked on some tapas, enjoyed Spanish food, taken a siesta or two, lounged at the beach, watched some movies, read some poetry, written a few short essays, finally submitted my ASG report, started planning a trip up north, skyped with some friends for the first time all summer, attempted to flamenco dance, wandered, and tried to embrace my new home.

Really, I've done very little.

My pace of life here is quite a bit slower than what it was earlier this summer, and that's been somewhat of an adjustment. Every day has been lovely, and I'm enjoying my time here, but, as my dear friend Colleen put it, I'm still feeling a bit "in-between."

What does that mean? I'm not quite sure, but I've been trying to figure it out. In part, I think my mind is a bit more clogged up than usual. Since I left California in July, I've constantly been in "perception" mode, observing new things each day and trying to take it all in but finding little time to reflect, ponder, and process. Now that I do have that time, my brain has been flooded with disparate recollections and incoherent thoughts, and it's been tricky to sort through it all.

This, I think, contributes to the other half of my "in-between-ness," which is what I can only describe as a feeling of pointlessness, not in a grand existential sense, but more in my day-to-day life. I derive almost all of the meaning in my life from relationships, and that can be hard (for me) to do when I'm with strangers. I have met some wonderful people over the past eight or so weeks, but I spent only a short time with each of them, which means that our relationships tended to be a little one-dimensional, which made me feel a little one-dimensional. In Jordan, I had so much to occupy my time, so much that I was learning, that I wasn't as bothered by this sentiment but here, in my slowed-down life, it's starting to bug. I know that I will put down some roots here soon, that I will connect to the people around me, that I will be moved and engaged and once again have days of anger, sorrow, joy, and more (and not just bland happiness) but, for now, I'm floating a bit. I'm not distraught by any means, because I know that I've only been here for two weeks and that it will get better, but I'm nonetheless looking forward to planting my feet on the ground and having the clarity to approach each day with wonder, doubt, curiosity, passion, and spirit.

I'm waiting for the overly-impassioned and excessively introspective Kelsey to return.

(And thanks to the marvelous people who have received my insane rambling with kindness and attempted understanding, especially Colleen and Ben. Thank you for being here even when, in reality, you are not.)