One year ago.

I wrote this is in my journal exactly a year ago. Everything's not better, but I'm so grateful that some things are. Thank you to everyone who has helped me leave this moment behind.



"It is the day before Valentine's Day and she is alone, but not just because she has no valentine. She is alone because she has no friends. Yes, there are the people she eats meals with and laughs with, but where are the people she cries with? The people who love what she loves, who are moved by small things, who yearn for human connection, for mutual understanding? Are they here?

She decided to come here because she wanted to be with people who were different from her, people who would challenge her and whom she could challenge, people with whom she could exchange memories and beliefs, with whom she could learn. But it's harder than she expected. Not that she regrets it - regret is too harsh of a word. But she does struggle and wish it were different, that there was someone who'd listen and care, someone to take away the utter silence of this place which is only broken by the sound of her breath. This is difficult, and she is overwhelmed.

She tries to escape the loneliness for a moment by choosing to be alone, by walking among the trees and buildings and snow that are so singular, so unavoidably lone, but content. She thinks that maybe they will understand her better, that they will speak her language. It's getting cold now and soon she will have to return to the cheerful cell which she has tried to disguise with pieces of herself, treasured cards and photographs which no one else notices. Her feet are hurting from the cold, but her spirit is hurting too, pained by the lukewarm interiors of these buildings, this place, these people. Her body and soul are struggling and, for now, her corporeal self will triumph because her inner ache is a dull one that can be ignored, but only for a short while. What will happen when it can no longer be ignored?

She yearns for love, for trust, for hope, for beauty and passion and anger and bright colors and rebellion and peace.

Where will she find it, can she?

Lord, help her."